you mean i was at the winter classic?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
