I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
