I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
