we're chasing vodka with high fives
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
