you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
