I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
