it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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