it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Randomize
