you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
