He uses pillows to masturbate.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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