yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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