I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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