It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
