I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
