whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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