I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
