Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
