4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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