my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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