Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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