I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
