Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
