yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
