just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
