there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
