Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We were destined to go to rehab together
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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