I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
