Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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