"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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