I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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