Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
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