He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
