Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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