Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
