I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
