I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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