we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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