Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
