just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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