im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
