Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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