What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
