I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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