I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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