the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
