Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
