He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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