Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
