my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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