i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
