well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
