I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
